Home for the Holidays
It’s holiday time which means pumpkin pie, hot chocolate, gift exchanges, festive parties and family….yep that’s right family! For some, family may not always have the same warm fuzzy feeling that snowfalls and hot chocolate do. The holidays aren’t always holding hands and singing Christmas carols by the fire. For many people, spending the holidays with their family means anxiety, tears, and family feuds. Why at a time when we are supposed to be giving thanks for our many blessings are we stressed about having to spend time with those we are supposed to be the closest too? We all have stories of holidays past when Aunt Jane had one too many eggnogs and told mom she never really liked her, or when little Bobby decided killing turkeys was cruel and threw the whole bird in the trash. O.K. maybe your stories aren’t that bad but we all have some story about a holiday gone wrong! For most of us we can deal with Uncle Joe’s creepy way of falling asleep with his eyes open but when mom says “oh you made the sweet potatoes that way…interesting” or your sister comments “ I’m glad to see I’m not the only one that gains weight during the holidays” we find we aren’t able to deal as well. Why is it that we can love someone so much yet at times feel as though we despise their existence?
Holidays are times when the gloves come off and we are at our most vulnerable. We spend countless hours in close quarters with many different personalities. In our everyday lives when mom makes a critical comment during a phone call, we can politely hang up the phone and scream into a pillow. However, when faced with these comments at a family gathering and all eyes are focused on your response it gets more difficult to handle these situations with grace. Our normal day to day relationships are suddenly magnified to uncomfortable levels. Often, people we barely speak to during the year like the aunt who moved away, or the brother we intentionally avoid are suddenly sitting in our living rooms wanting to know the details of our lives. Details we don’t want to share, details that if we had wanted to share we would have done so over the course of the year. The mood is supposed to remain festive but we don’t feel festive. We feel uncomfortable, frustrated and quite frankly not at all in the holiday spirit. We are suddenly reminded of all the little things that made us wonder if we were adopted when we were younger!
Why does this happen year after year? Why do we let these things get to us? The reality is that our families drive us crazy because we care what they think. We want their approval and appreciation. The truth is that it hurts a lot more to know that dad thinks your new boyfriend looks like a criminal than it does when your friend tells you the same thing. We expect more from our families. We believe we should be able to expect more. We want to have unconditional love and feel we’ve ‘done good!’ When the reality sinks in that maybe our families aren’t all we hoped they would be we can easily become disappointed. We begin to doubt ourselves and get angry that we expected any different.
What to do? How can you make the holidays festive and actually enjoy family. Ok it’s not impossible…really! First off be realistic. If you know that you and mom have not had one conversation the last 5 years that didn’t involve your biological clock ticking away, don’t invite her to stay with you for a week unless you have news to tell! Think about your limitations, you don't have to sacrifice your happiness to please everyone else. Let mom know when the festivities are planned. Send her a list of local hotels so she can “be close by” and begin thinking of polite yet assertive ways of letting mom know your eggs are doing just fine when the conversation arises.
Second, plan- plan- plan. Having an agenda of some type will help keep things on track and moving. Eat dinner, exchange gifts, men clean up, women shop…sounds good to me. Too much unplanned time leaves opportunity for “you know what your problem is” conversations to arise. A quick response of “I would love to know but right now it’s time for reindeer bingo—we will have to chat later” should shut down this conversation quickly!
Third, remember overall most of these people really do love you and want what is best for you. The problem is that they think they know what is best. This is when you have to show them you are in control of your life. Say it with me, "Boundaries"! Staying in control of your emotions and practicing assertiveness will be helpful in preparation for the holidays. No one can stand up for you better than you can. Practice saying comments like “I appreciate your input” and “interesting idea I will consider it”, and use these instead of “mind you own business”, “stop trying to run my life” etc.
Fourth, remember your blessings. Really look at the big picture. So your family is at times intrusive and overbearing but your sister did take off a whole week to help when you had your baby and your dad did spend time getting to know your criminal looking boyfriend. It really isn’t always as bad as it seems. Try to find those positives. Look for the blessings and you may be surprised to find a few you never knew existed.
The holidays can be exhausting and emotional but can also be times of great joy and reflection. Look at the people in your life that make a difference. Ask yourself if you are making a difference; are you a good example of what the holidays should be? Sometimes it is easy to notice what everyone else is doing but are we doing some of the same things? Of course not you may answer adamantly but Susan really shouldn't be dating again this soon! Happy Reflecting!! Happy Holidays!!!!
Kristen Fowler, LPC, LMFT
Natural Lessons of the Trail
It is common for people to use nature as an example of how people should do things or to help explain how things are. Nature can be inspiring and leave us in awe. The oak tree is commonly referred to as a ‘symbol of strength’. The family as the oak tree is a great metaphor. It is a solid wood dense with history. It is a wood not conducive for making musical instruments because of its density. You think of an oak towering over a field able to hold a tire swing. People are strong too, but there are many times we do not feel strong. In fact, is being strong in all situations a good thing? Should the oak tree be the model for which we strive to achieve?
On the other hand, how many people compare themselves to the chestnut tree? Other than “chestnuts roasting on an open fire” when do you really hear about the chestnut? Well, I learned a good lesson recently while hiking on the Stony Man Trail in the Appalachian Mountains. Chestnuts in America are a tragic story. See, chestnut trees use to dominate the hillsides of the Appalachian Mountains –one out of every three so I am told. Now, they are almost non-existent fading away at the hands of a fungus brought from overseas. Interestingly, though they die and fall to the forest floor, they are resistant to decay. It has something to do with their chemical makeup –a natural preservative called tannin. Also to note, the root remains alive. Sprouts will shoot up out of dead chestnuts and grow to about 15 feet before the fungus (blight) will take over and kill it again.
Although I cannot spot them, my father-in-law can point out the chestnuts lying on the ground as the trail winds up and down and around. Even in death they are used by many animals for shelter and various purposes. Chestnuts are resilient because though they die and fall due to the harsh realities of life, they have preservative qualities that keep them functioning for those around.
Chestnuts and oaks are actually related –both are in the Beech family. Oaks are strong. Chestnuts are resilient. Most people strive to be strong so they can deal with life’s hardships. Being strong somehow feels better. I say look to be resilient. Like the chestnut, when life tears us down and we know that we can only get so far… persevere and live life with our limitations. Nurture our roots because no matter how much the fungus defeats us it cannot touch our core, our foundation.
Sometimes you feel like a nut. Some people will call you nuts. Next time…just tell them you are a chestnut.
Sources:
Trees: A Guide to Familiar American Trees. Revised and Updated. A Golden Guide from St. Martin’s Press. New York. By Herbert S. Zim and Alexander C. Martin. 2001.
Healthy Relationships: A Quick Fix
People love being in love. It is amazing the connection between people who love each other. That feeling cannot be artificially created. But in every relationship there comes a time of frustration. Disagreement is a common occurrence when two people come togethr. It is inevitable when people live and love together. Over time life happens to us, we make mistakes, our emotions get the best of us, and we simply have differences. These are not bad things. They can be. How you handle the pain of life can make the connection stronger between you. But do not forget who you are. It is important to grow stronger as an individual as well. During times of fighting with your partner there is one thing you can do that will give immediate results. Sacrifice.
I know what you are thinking; if he would just stop such and such or if she would just do this and that. How can I get my partner to read this? Stop right there, because you have already missed the point. If you are reading this then it is you who should sacrifice. I am not suggesting that he or she does not need to sacrifice as well. In fact, they may need to change a lot of things. Too much energy is wasted trying to change someone else. In relationships you can never go wrong with looking in the mirror.
What do you sacrifice? Haven’t I given until I can no longer give anymore? Giving up something you have been holding onto will make you a better person. A better person is easier for your partner to love. Often times this is an idea or a memory. Maybe it is a feeling you get that has little basis for the strength and power that goes with it. Maybe it is the priority you place on things in your life. Often times there are big differences between what you say area your priorities and what you do in day to day life. Sacrifice will not solve all relationship woes. But it can act as a jumpstart toward the right direction.
Scott M. Fowler, LPC, LMFT
A Good Candidate: The Counseling Relationship
A husband and wife are fighting, again. An adolescent cuts on herself because she feels no love from her father and her mother will not stand up to his abuse. A child is suspended for the third time and his parents have tried everything. Father is nonexistent and an adolescent boy is getting closer and closer to the street life. An adolescent girl is raped. A woman has an affair after twenty years of marriage, and is regretful, yet feels justified as her husband has made no effort to meet her needs in over half that time. “I am depressed”. A foster child is ripped from the home due to nothing he has done, confused about what is really going on, left in the dark about the adult issues that lead to this separation, and now is left to get along in a stranger’s house. “He has an attitude problem”. A young couple has a one year old and still seems miles apart in how a child has changed each of their identities. These are only some of the stories that counselors hear. How to help?
There are a lot of myths about the helping relationship. Some helpers would rather maintain the façade of the Wizard of Oz behind the curtain. They are “experts” in the knowledge of what you should do, what is normal and abnormal, and in telling you how to think and act. When people find out that my wife and I are Marriage and Family Therapists I hear, “oh, so you have the perfect marriage”. I wish. I strive. If I was this kind of helper then I would have the perfect marriage because together we would have all the answers that people assume us counselors have. It is not in the answers that we have that makes therapy effective. It is the type of relationship that begins and grows between the therapist and client that really leads to meaningful change for someone. There are so many ways of helping people. What works the best?
Whether it is a teacher/student, pastor/parishioner, coach/athlete, brother/sister, spousal, or friendship relationships are complicated. There are many types of helpers. Each has a specific knowledge base and the skill to convey that knowledge that is so valuable. For the therapist, the knowledge can be a specific theory for why people do the things they do, how people are made up inside, or the nature of how people change and solve problems. Why people do things is educational and insightful. How people are made is interesting. It is the getting from the pain of today to the relief of tomorrow that seems most important. So how is this done?
We all need help with things in our life at some point. If a counselor recognizes the importance of this relationship their influence can be powerful. If a client is looking for perfect answers they can leave counseling disappointed. Life is not that simple. Pain can be strong. Hurt can be deep. A counselor can feel like a friend but the difference is significant: it is preset to begin and end, the limits are confined, and there is a business agreement involved.
The greatest barrier to progress in therapy is the inability to connect with the therapist. The reality is a counselor is a stranger the first time you walk in the door. Do we not still teach our children not to talk to strangers? How easy is it for you to make friends? I mean the type of friend that you can tell anything about yourself and not prepare for life in the witness protection program. This takes a specific type of helping relationship; one that is built on mutual trust, respect, and effort. Sure, counselors read lots of books, experience life, and over time learn a lot from their clients. But to ease stress in one’s life it takes a helping relationship that is focused on change.
-Scott M. Fowler, LPC, LMFT
Motherhood
Being a mother is not easy, in fact some days it seems overwhelmingly impossible. At times your efforts may seem pointless when the dishes pile in the sink, you haven’t showered in three days and you have no idea where your son’s soccer cleats are hidden. However, overall you think you’ve got it together pretty good. Your kids are kind and gentle, they show honesty and respect and are kids you are proud to call your own. Until one day… your son flushes your daughter’s goldfish because “he hates her”, your neighbor knocks on the door to let you know they found your twelve year old daughter smoking, and your son’s teacher calls to inform you that four letter words are not appropriate in second grade. “O.K.” you tell yourself “my kids aren’t perfect, a few minor incidents are to be expected, but they are still good kids.” You remind yourself they are doing well in school, obey mom and dad…most of the time, and really do love each other…deep down inside! “I can do this” you repeat until you are pumped up enough to face motherhood again. Until one day…you find out your son just tried marijuana, your daughter wants to go on the pill, “just in case” and they both keep trying to convince you the D’s on their report cards really do stand for “Delightful.” “O.K.” you say again, “I can handle this, it’s really not that bad. At least they didn’t steal a car, or rob a bank or kill someone!” And then you realize that the standards you have used to measure your kids, the standards that you believe define your effectiveness as a parent have lowered. Lowered not just a little but by depths you never thought possible.
Parenting is not easy! Even involved and patient parents face challenges in raising their children. Parents often struggle with the fact that their kids should “know better.” It is important to remember that childhood and adolescence are periods of time often void of rational thought. Kids often do know right from wrong but choose wrong because it feels better! That is why parents must be involved in their children’s lives. Missing a day could mean missing a vital moment in your child’s development. It becomes less important to have your kids fulfill a certain expectation and more important that they figure out whom they are and who they want to become. Parenting often means that although you have taught them about integrity and respect and tried to instill values, they may still choose “wrong” when they know better. At these times, your job is about supporting them through the wrong decisions and often setting boundaries to protect them from themselves. As a mother you may want to keep them from making mistakes or from being hurt but you can’t always do that and many times you shouldn’t. Often these mistakes provide opportunity for growth. Your effectiveness as a parent cannot be measured by “perceived failures” because it is often these failure that give your child the chance to figure out “who am I and how will I let this affect me?” Spend time with your children, listen when they talk, get to know them and their friends, set limits, enforce these limits and most importantly live a life you would be proud to have your children lead. And remember next time….get a pet that is too big to flush!
-Kristen M. Fowler, LPC, LMFT
